It was good of you to provide more work for me to be able to read after you got stuck.
Something that sticks out in both pieces of your writing is that you repeat yourself a bit. In your first piece you frequently state Jerry’s name when you could simply say he. In your second piece you say “Two dark armoured” followed by “Their dark armour”. Adding a little more variety into your descriptions would create a more colourful piece of writing. E.g “Their shadow dipped steel radiates…”
Avoid starting your sentences the same way too often as well “Their dark” and “Their swords”. This also creates a repetitive feel to your writing as well.
Be wary of your punctuation as well. There are commas that should be fullstops in your writing. These are small minor details but they also need to be addressed.
Hi Charlie,
It was good of you to provide more work for me to be able to read after you got stuck.
Something that sticks out in both pieces of your writing is that you repeat yourself a bit. In your first piece you frequently state Jerry’s name when you could simply say he. In your second piece you say “Two dark armoured” followed by “Their dark armour”. Adding a little more variety into your descriptions would create a more colourful piece of writing. E.g “Their shadow dipped steel radiates…”
Avoid starting your sentences the same way too often as well “Their dark” and “Their swords”. This also creates a repetitive feel to your writing as well.
Be wary of your punctuation as well. There are commas that should be fullstops in your writing. These are small minor details but they also need to be addressed.
Good start.